The Ratata and the River
by Bittersweet Romanticide
Summary: While Brock is using the only pickup line that will ever work, Ash and Misty begin a long discussion of what part of Ash's anatomy will overpower his brain, not that the latter was of much use anyway. Slight AAML


**Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon. Duh.**

-chuckles to self- Please, no angry male reviewers, okay? This is meant as a joke, I don't honestly think that men are the cause of all misfortune in the world. After all, if you let any women in the top box, I'm sure we could help with the destruction. Men and women are equally destructive, I promise you. Men do it with bombs, women do it with horrible, evil sneak attacks. Both are equally effective.

The reason this is simply so illogical is our little Ash grows up in Japanese society (Satoshi) and lovely Ash, even in the Americas, would have probably have had some form of sex education, especially with trainers racing off around the world. They're getting educated or neutered like my puppies. I prefer education to chopping men's junk off, don't you? The girls? No, you don't neuter girls. Aside from it being too risky, if you get the boys the girls are good. Anywho, I really don't care how illogical it is, I thought it was funny.

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**It started out calmly enough, and no one had the slightest clue the humor/monstrosity that would soon unfold. For, you see, Ash had a mother who often forgot exactly how old her son was. Ash had a friend named Gary who convinced him to skip Sex Ed class, what little they had it while they were in school. Ash had no female friends, no adult male friends, and no one who would "show him the ropes" per se about sex. So, it was all thanks to Ash's clueless stupidity that it came about.

But, we can't lay all the blame on Ash. There are two men in the group, and as such, both must be the cause of any stupidity that occurs. Always. Because of the testosterone flowing through their bodies, men have a constant sense of adventure, and even from a very young age show a nice interest in a pretty woman. It starts out small, just little things. A baby grabs at a woman's long hair, a too young boy has a crush on his teacher, little things that get the ball rolling and turn some of them into creepy stalkers.

Speaking of creepy stalkers, Brock was leaning over the Pokémon Center counter, smiling like an idiot, and blurting out a pick up line. Everyone knows pick up lines do not work unless they make a girl laugh. When using a pick up line, aim for making the girl laugh, not swoon. No women will ever swoon over a pick up line unless you are a movie star. If you are a movie star, your pick up line is, "Hello, would you like to come to my trailer?" Otherwise, steer clear. Quick advice.

"Could we play a game Nurse Joy?" Brock asked. Her eyes widened and he shook his head frantically. "Not like that! It's not anything bad! Here, just give me your hand and I'll show you." She did so (very reluctantly, but still did, the silly woman), and the boy grinned. He took his finger and drew an imaginary line down the middle. "This is the river, Nurse Joy. The ratata is on this side, and he wants to get to the other side. How does he do it?"

"He swims," Joy said offhandedly, about to pull her hand away.

"No!" Brock cried with too much joy to be natural. "If he does that, he'll get eaten by crocodiles!"

And, the nurse, unable to conceive the horrible (yet clever enough to be snatched off the several pick up line sites the authoress goes to for a chuckle) line to befall her. Nurse Joy leaned forward, face tightening with concentration, and she now desperately tried to figure out how that ratata could get across the stream. And, for once in his life, Brock's pick up line was, technically, working. But we'll come back to that. For there was a much more interesting, more funny conversation just a little bit away.

"Aren't you going to pull him away?" Ash asked innocently, pointing at the spiky haired boy.

"I'm waiting for the scream. There's going to be a scream on this one, Ash. I can tell. There are times when my girl sense just flies off and I can tell when a pickup line is so horrible it'll make a girl scream. That, and that's a line I've heard used on my sisters before and every single one was screaming with fury by the end of it. It'll be kind of funny though. Maybe he'll get smacked and I won't have to move, and I really don't want to move."

It was blaringly apparent that she didn't, sprawled on the couch, bag dangling to the floor, face first, she didn't exactly look like she was going to be moving any time soon. In fact, if she hadn't been rising and falling with the force of her breath and chest pushing her up, most would have assumed she was dead. Then there would have been an Officer Jenny for Brock to use his new, apparently working pickup line with.

"I don't know why Brock does it," Ash said, looking over at the boy. "I mean, why can't they just be friends? All you do when you're dating is, well, date! You just go out and you talk and act nice each other, and at best you get a kiss. I mean, we basically do that but we don't kiss. I don't understand why he's so fascinated with it. Is it because he wants to look at her? I get that. I like to look at pretty girls too, but I don't get why he's so obsessed with them. You can see them every time we go into a city! They're everywhere!"

"Stop…talking…" Misty moaned, clutching her bag tighter. "Did you know that your butt muscle could cramp? I can't believe I never knew that before. But, then again, I've also never run screaming through the forest chased by some weird creatures that we didn't even get a good chance to identify because _someone _tried to catch their baby. What kind of idiot attempts to catch a baby anything? The mother always comes. Idiot."

"I'm not an idiot!" he whined.

"Oh, shut up. You are so. And my butt freaking hurts. It's all your fault that my butt hurts!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't know that your butt was going to hurt! I didn't do it on purpose!" They continued arguing about Misty's butt, causing several incoming and outgoing trainers to slowly walk by, eyes filled with wonder and horror at exactly what could have happened that the girl's butt was hurting. Obviously, many of them hitting puberty, their minds darted to the worst possible place and they chuckled, trying to hide their snickers in case the stopped the debate and completely ruined their fun.

"Well, fine, it doesn't matter what happened! All that matters is what's going to happen! Do you know what that is? In due time, you are going to be just like _that _thing." She pointed at Brock, and, for a moment, all those watching thought for a moment she meant black. "A perverted idiot!" And the entire room heaved a sigh of relief at the oncoming threat of racism vanishing. "Granted, you might be a little better at it than he is, because you're so stupid you couldn't get any dumber around a pretty girl, but you'll still turn into that!"

"No, I won't!" He swallowed. "I, uh, you're just saying that, right?"

"I am _not _just saying that! One day, you're going to be interested in _girls,_ Ash Ketchum, and girls only! That right! It'll come _before _pokémon! Know why? Because that's the entire purpose of our race! To breed! That's our job! To make more of us! Though, I hope you don't participate in that because the last thing this world needs it more completely stupid, idiot, weird little Ash Ketchums! I don't want it, and neither does anyone else!"

"But _why_? I love pokémon! I love pokémon more than anything else in the world! I barely like girls! I mean, I barely like you."

And the shouting stopped for a bit, she crossed her arms and glared. "Gee, thanks Ash. But that's part of the reason. Number one is because you won't be able to use your brain. You've only got enough blood to run one at a time, and most of the time your body is going to opt for the downstairs route. My guess is because gravity makes it easier, and we all know how lazy you are, Ash Ketchum!"

He clenched his fists. He wasn't sure what she said, but it sounded insulting. "What's that supposed to mean, you scrawny redheaded runt?"

"Redheaded isn't an insult, you moron," she shot back. "And what I mean is, in just a few years, you're going to start thinking with that!"

Poor, poor little Ash, helplessly wondered what she could have mean while she pointed to his pants. He thought very hard about such a thing, his brain going into overdrive as he ploughed through the hard puzzle. Soon, he was reduced to sigh, and ask instead of shout. "You mean my pants?"

"_Under _that," she snapped impatiently.

"My underwear?"

"Under that! _That's _the thing that's going to betray you!"

"But the only thing under that is my…oh!" And then, his voice saddened. "Oh, but how could that betray me? I…that's like a built in toy. Whenever I was bored I could play with that and…I even named it. How could that betray me?"

"Oh. My. God." Her eyes widened. "I totally did not need to know that. Ash, when I say it's going to betray you I just mean that you're going to be using it a lot when you get older. Since that's what you have sex with, that's what you're 'thinking'," she air quoted, "with. It's not actually going to leave you or anything. I just mean that, well, you know. You're gonna wanna have sex with girls when you grow up, just like Brock does twenty four seven."

"_That's _what girls are for?" Ash's eyes widened. "But I thought that you could do that with anyone!"

"Yes, you can but…gah! The majority of guys and girls generally like each other. Very few guys like other guys and very few girls like other girls and you're probably going to end up liking…" She paused. "…Ashley…"

"I like _girls_," he accented.

"Alright," she sighed. "Well, the reason that's what girls are for is because the parts fit. Your part and my part are like puzzle pieces, okay? They fit because that's how they were made to. Nature made it fit that way. So, yes, that's what girls and guys are for, when you're dating. You have sex so you can have a baby."

"Brock wants to have a baby?"

"He what? No! I mean, sometimes it can be used for fun! A lot of fun, grown up fun. We're not allowed to do it though, alright? You don't…damn it, Ash! Didn't you have sex ed?"

"Yeah," he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck as his face reddened. "Can we just forget about this, get out of here and do something fun?"

The entire Pokémon Center came alive with cheers and whistles, the two teens beginning to blush and stutter about how they weren't like that, they didn't mean that, and in no time they had shot out the door and vanished into the afternoon. All the while poor Nurse Joy had been attempting to get the ratata across the river, every time having something more and more hideous happen to the little creature, never making it across.

Infuriated, she stomped her foot and screamed. "How the hell does the ratata cross the river?"

He smirked and held her hand tighter. "I don't know, Nurse Joy. I just wanted to hold your hand."

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**Heh, that was fun.


End file.
